Individual Psychology#
Individual psychology advocates for the indivisibility of the human being and opposes the separation of the mind and body, reason and emotion, etc., in considering individuals.
Some people become furious after being impulsive, while calm people do not. This means that we are not influenced by the independent existence of emotions, but rather by the unity of the individual.
To establish good interpersonal relationships, it is necessary to maintain a certain distance. Being too close makes it difficult to have a normal conversation, while being too distant can easily lead to losing contact. The topic of separation discussed in the previous chapter is not meant to lead individuals to an isolated state of "I am me, you are you," but rather to unravel the complex web of interpersonal relationships.
The Ultimate Goal of Interpersonal Relationships#
The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "separation of tasks," and the end point is "a sense of community."
When you see others as "partners" and live among them, you contribute to the collective and can feel your own position. This state of seeing others as partners and feeling a "sense of belonging" is called a sense of community. It can be understood as a sense of belonging.
As long as it includes other people, it can be called a community. Two people, a family, a school, a company, a country, the Earth...
Adler said that all troubles come from interpersonal relationships. The source of troubles is interpersonal relationships, and conversely, the source of happiness is also in interpersonal relationships. A sense of community is the most important indicator of happy interpersonal relationships.
To achieve the ultimate goal, the first thing to do is to turn one's own obsession into concern for others.
Egocentrism#
People who are centered on themselves are too obsessed with themselves and do not contribute to the collective. These people cannot obtain a "sense of community" and cannot feel happiness.
People who cannot separate tasks and are too attached to the desire for recognition are fundamentally concerned about how others evaluate them. They may seem to be looking at others, but in reality, they only see themselves. They are extremely self-centered.
"I" am the protagonist of my own life, but at the same time, I am also a member of the community, a part of the whole. People who are centered on themselves go beyond being the "protagonist of their own lives" and position themselves as the "protagonist of the world." Therefore, they may think, "What can this person bring to me?" and even believe that everyone should serve "me." However, others do not live to fulfill your expectations, and when those expectations are not met, they quickly see the other person as an "enemy."
People who hold on to the belief of "being centered on themselves" will even lose their "friends" quickly.
Maps and Globes#
In maps used in France, the continent of America is located on the left, and Asia is on the right, with Europe, specifically France, depicted in the center. On the other hand, if it is a map used in China, China will be depicted in the center, with the continent of America on the right and Europe on the left.
If it is a globe, France can be seen as the center, or China can be seen as the center, or Brazil can be seen as the center. Every place is the center, and at the same time, no place is the center.
"My" Position#
"I" am a part of the community, not the center. Realizing this, one will not make the mistake of being "centered on oneself." As mentioned earlier, the ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships is to achieve a sense of community, and a sense of belonging is not something that is inherently present; it is found through one's own efforts and actions.
"I" belong to multiple communities at the same time, such as being part of a family, a school, and a country. Do not be confined to the immediate community; be aware that you also belong to other communities, larger communities. In a larger community, such as a country, you can make contributions no matter where you are – buying a loaf of bread and paying with a coin connects you to producers, transporters, sellers, and other individuals.
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If you cannot find a sense of belonging in the current community, you should know that there is a broader world outside of this community. Understanding the vastness of the world will make you realize that the suffering you experience in the current community is just a "storm in a teacup." As long as you step out of the cup, the storm will turn into a breeze.
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Do not escape to a smaller community (such as the family) just because you cannot find a sense of belonging in the current community. You must step out of the cup; otherwise, you will not be able to see through the storm.
When we encounter difficulties or cannot see a way out in interpersonal relationships, the first thing to consider is the principle of "listening to the voice of a larger community."
Interfering with Others' Tasks#
Two definitions:
- Vertical relationship: hierarchical relationship with a ranking system.
- Horizontal relationship: each person is different but equal, a relationship of peers.
Why do people interfere with others' tasks? It is because they see interpersonal relationships as vertical relationships and see the other person as lower than themselves, which leads them to interfere. Interference is actually manipulating others according to one's own wishes.
Praise and criticism statements contain a sense of "evaluation of the capable by the incapable." People may form a belief of "I am incapable" because of praise or criticism. Reward and punishment education based on praise and criticism can develop into vertical relationships, making it easy for the weaker party to live to fulfill the expectations of the stronger party. This should be particularly noted when educating children.
If assistance is provided based on a horizontal relationship, through encouragement and based on equal relationships, it will convey the courage of "I can do it too." Adler believed that in facing life's tasks, people lack courage, not ability.
Courage Comes from Value#
Adler believed that people can only gain courage when they feel useful (valuable) to the community.
Evaluative language is based on vertical relationships. For example, if a friend helps you clean your room and you say, "You did a good job," it sounds awkward.
The most important thing is not to judge others but to establish horizontal relationships and sincerely express gratitude, respect, joy, etc. When people hear words of gratitude, they can feel that they have contributed (value) to others.
When judging value, it is not appropriate to use only the criterion of "action" for evaluation. Elderly people may not be able to take action, but their mere existence brings joy and gratitude to their families.
About a Sense of Community#
A young person asks: The encouragement method mentioned earlier seems like hypocrisy. Who can actually do it?!
Regarding this question, Adler's answer is: Someone has to start, even if others do not cooperate, it has nothing to do with you. My advice is that it should start with you. You don't have to consider whether others will cooperate.
It is indeed somewhat idealistic. Readers, please think about it for yourselves.
About Horizontal Relationships#
The book says that how we treat someone's relationship extends to everyone's relationship, which means we can only choose either vertical relationships or horizontal relationships.
How should we treat, for example, the superior-subordinate relationship in a company if we choose horizontal relationships?
In the context of work, the formal relationship between superiors and subordinates can be vertical, but at the spiritual level, it must be horizontal.